Wednesday, March 25, 2009

How to ruin a perfectly good fairy tale.

Want to ruin a perfectly good fairy tale? Use the passive voice, nominalized verbs, long words, long sentences, long paragraphs, and jargon, like this:

Once upon time as a separation was occurring among three little pigs (in the genus of even-toed ungulates) and their maternal unit, a prowling by a wolf (canis major) was taking place in their vicinity. The pigs were being sent away by their maternal unit who had advised them of certain growth opportunities relative to the separation, a decision which the pigs accepted. A further decision by the pigs concerning a separation involving individual living headquarters was rendered by the three pigs after some dialogue and introspection (it is unknown if they sought additional third-party consultation). In any event, after having sourced the appropriate construction materials, and after due diligence and legal consideration, and in due time, the first pig, who had been attracted to the concept of organic, sustainable living, saw his house completed of an organic material, herein after referred to as “straw.” After some further period of time, the aforementioned carnivore, i.e., canis lupus, with an insatiate appetite, happened upon the dwelling of the pig and attempted to gain entry thereat. His subsequent accomplishment of that effort resulted in the satisfaction of his hunger impulses, i.e., the first pig was consumed by the carnivore. Meanwhile, in a second action, another dwelling was being constructed, of an unidentified species of sticks, and in compliance with local zoning ordinances, in a setting removed from that of the first pig. It might be ascertained by the attentive reader that the result of the second visit of the wolf culminated in an outcome similar to that of the first pig, that is, death by mastication and ingestion. (It must be mentioned, parenthetically, at this juncture, that each exchange between wolf and pig featured strident phrases, in a dialogue of highly emotional exchange, namely the wolf’s exhortation, "Little pig, little pig, let me in", the pig’s subsequent retort, "Not by the hair on my chinny chin chin" and finally, in a fit of pique, the wolf’s rejoinder, "Then I'll huff and I'll puff and I'll blow your house down," which he accomplished in due time.) Because his hunger had not been sated, the wolf sought the whereabouts of the third pig, also for purposes of mastication and ingestion. It happened that the third pig’s dwelling had been fabricated of blocks of ceramic material commonly used in masonry construction and usually laid using mortar. Seeking to replicate the successes he had experienced with the sibling pigs, i.e., the destruction of their domiciles to gain access to their persons, the wolf summoned the full force of his diaphragm and expelled a great amount of air, as he had done previously in the direction of the dwelling, as has been noted in this case, a ceramic and mortar dwelling. This action was repeated several times by the wolf to no effective end, whereupon he resolved to gain access by accessing the topmost aspect of the structure and repelling down the vertical outlet used for venting hot flue gases. His success at that action ironically resulted in his ultimate undoing, i.e., his fall into a cauldron of boiling water eventually led to his demise, and to the further irony of his being consumed by the very prey he had preyed upon.


  1. You must have had a lot of fun with this one. Hilarious!

  2. Yes, I was having great fun and thinking about a dear friend who has an affinity for even-toed ungulates!