Any good writing teacher will give you this sage advice: Show, don't tell. I, too, offer those words of wisdom! Apply them to everything you write.
For example, suppose I write this sentence: "My ten-year old sister is very fast!" That sentence tells; it doesn't show. How do you make those words show? Well, you might say, "As a garbage truck passed our house, my ten-year old sister raced it to the corner of our block. She took off in her brand new, white Nikes, her braided pigtails flying, and she beat that truck by two garbage truck lengths! The trash men whooped and hollered all the way, telling their driver to 'step on it!'"
Or, you might write, "My girlfriend really loves me." Again, this is a tell sentence. How can you make it show? You might write: "My girlfriend handed me two 40-yard line Steeler tickets for the Cleveland Browns game and asked me to take my brother. Then, before she drove away, she handed a six pack of Iron City beer out her car window and drove away saying, 'Have a great time, honey!'" Here in Pittsburgh that would be called "true love!"
How does this concept apply to business writing? For one thing, it applies directly to resumes. As I have reviewed hundreds of resumes written by my students, I typically see language like this: "Coordinated a team of project engineers for the installation of customer relations management software at Widget International."
That sentence will provide more meaning and create more impact it if says, "Coordinated a team of seven project engineers in a three-week engagement at Widget International of Buffalo, NY, to install customer relations software and increase customer satisfaction scores by 11.5%."
When you tell, you rob the reader of scene, story, and outcome. When you show, you give the reader the scene, story and outcome. Every sentence we write may not include an outcome but everything we write is story. We introduce ourselves to a potential client and we tell a story. Better yet, we introduce ourselves to a potential client, and we evoke their story! We listen to their story. Then, after we understand our clients' needs, we share our stories; we build narratives that show how we have benefited some other customer. This works especially well in cover letters or executive summaries to RFP's.
So, if you're trying to sell your services to a customer or even sell yourself as a potential date, especially in writing, show, don't tell.
Sunday, March 8, 2009
Saturday, March 7, 2009
Vary sentence length.
Vary sentence length and pattern, not just in your writing but in your speeches. Create a rhythm that ebbs and flows.
Use short sentences, as I have said before. But don't bore the reader or listener with "See Spot run" sentences. Use sentences of medium length and sentences that stretch the reader's or listener's attention to the breaking point.
Write a one word sentence. Wow. That will help break the monotony. Write ten word sentences that pull the reader gently along. Write fifty word sentences and test the reader's endurance, their capacity to linger with you as you explain some necessary and fundamental thing, as you outline the process you hope to achieve, a process that will eventually serve their needs and result in growth for them and the organization.
Or, bore the reader. Just like this. With short sentences. One after another. Three word sentences. One following another. Or, four word sentences. See how they run? Do you like them? Do they engage you? Not on your life. You annoyed your reader. The reader will stop. Your message will fail.
The reader has other choices, you know. He or she can pick up a magazine, a newspaper, a crossword puzzle, a product label, anything that has words on it, and read it, instead of your memo.
If you lose the reader, you will not communicate. You will just make noise - blah, blah, blah. If you want to keep the reader, if you want to connect, if you want to cause action, vary your sentences. Write a sentence that begins with three subordinate clauses (just like the previous sentence). Or, on the other hand, begin your sentence with a conjunction and a prepositional phrase - just like this sentence. Simple, compound, complex, compound-complex - it's your choice. And remember to keep the subject and verb close together.
Whatever you chose, take the reader on a journey. Stop. On a dime. Take a leisurely walk; over the hills and down through the valleys of your prose, running or walking, skipping or jumping., yelling as loud as you can. Then, stop for a deserved rest. Yes. Here. Wait. Just for a spell.
Now, get your wind. Hurry along with the words gathering behind you before they cascade over your shoulder. (Yes, throw in an image that the reader can see.) Then, slow down again. Stop. Write again. Use three words. Write four word sentences. Keep the reader guessing and interested.
Get along now; pick up some speed; go for the Big One; use a semicolon and join two clauses; and, while you're doing it, throw in another clause, joined to the first sentence. Don't worry. Your readers will follow you, especially when you have used the right tools, such as action verbs, active voice, and characters as subjects in logical prose that sees well chosen words placed within well crafted sentences that create coherent and seamless paragraphs.
Use short sentences, as I have said before. But don't bore the reader or listener with "See Spot run" sentences. Use sentences of medium length and sentences that stretch the reader's or listener's attention to the breaking point.
Write a one word sentence. Wow. That will help break the monotony. Write ten word sentences that pull the reader gently along. Write fifty word sentences and test the reader's endurance, their capacity to linger with you as you explain some necessary and fundamental thing, as you outline the process you hope to achieve, a process that will eventually serve their needs and result in growth for them and the organization.
Or, bore the reader. Just like this. With short sentences. One after another. Three word sentences. One following another. Or, four word sentences. See how they run? Do you like them? Do they engage you? Not on your life. You annoyed your reader. The reader will stop. Your message will fail.
The reader has other choices, you know. He or she can pick up a magazine, a newspaper, a crossword puzzle, a product label, anything that has words on it, and read it, instead of your memo.
If you lose the reader, you will not communicate. You will just make noise - blah, blah, blah. If you want to keep the reader, if you want to connect, if you want to cause action, vary your sentences. Write a sentence that begins with three subordinate clauses (just like the previous sentence). Or, on the other hand, begin your sentence with a conjunction and a prepositional phrase - just like this sentence. Simple, compound, complex, compound-complex - it's your choice. And remember to keep the subject and verb close together.
Whatever you chose, take the reader on a journey. Stop. On a dime. Take a leisurely walk; over the hills and down through the valleys of your prose, running or walking, skipping or jumping., yelling as loud as you can. Then, stop for a deserved rest. Yes. Here. Wait. Just for a spell.
Now, get your wind. Hurry along with the words gathering behind you before they cascade over your shoulder. (Yes, throw in an image that the reader can see.) Then, slow down again. Stop. Write again. Use three words. Write four word sentences. Keep the reader guessing and interested.
Get along now; pick up some speed; go for the Big One; use a semicolon and join two clauses; and, while you're doing it, throw in another clause, joined to the first sentence. Don't worry. Your readers will follow you, especially when you have used the right tools, such as action verbs, active voice, and characters as subjects in logical prose that sees well chosen words placed within well crafted sentences that create coherent and seamless paragraphs.
Friday, March 6, 2009
Use the readability tool in Word.
I admit to being a "late adopter" to technology and, therefore, I learned only recently that my computer has a "readability index" in Word. To make use of this valuable tool, all you have to do is enable it. (Sorry, you'll have to ask a techie.) Then, when you spellcheck any document, your computer will give you a readability report after it has told you to correct any spelling errors.
The readability index is based on the Flesch readability studies. The index measures the length of your words, sentences, and paragraphs and your use of passive voice. The tool suggests that most people read at a level between 8th and 11th grade and suggests, therefore, that if you want to reach most audiences, you need to use short words, short sentences and short paragraphs. Also, because active voice is more direct, the index suggests that you prefer active voice over passive.
I recently copied and pasted into Word Barack Obama's inauguration speech and his first report to Congress, just to see how he scored. These were speeches, of course, but they began as written documents, very few people speak extemporaneously these days, especially if they are presidents and paying talented speech writers.
So, how did Barack score on readability (think "understandability")? He scored mid-8th grade in the inaugural address and mid-9th grade in the speech to Congress.
You might say that he should have written to the mid-3rd grade level for Congress. Those folks have not been accused of being the brightest candles on the cake. In contrast to many elected officials, Winston Churchill understood the need to use plain language. I scored his famous "we will fight on the seas..." speech, the one he gave during WWII, and it scored mid-3rd grade level. Mid-3rd grade level! He certainly knew his audience! Both Obama and Churchill are known as great intellectuals, yet both chose to address his audience on a level that he was certain would communicate his message.
Great orators of English know that they need to use strong Anglo-Saxon words (the short kind) and short, crisp sentences. They know that they should avoid words from the Latin and Greek . You might enjoy writing to a co-worker and saying, "You are sui generis." Or, you might want to say to a relative, "Give up on being a omphaloskepsist," just to show off your learning, but you won't make your point as well as if you had said, "You are one of a kind!" and "Get your nose out of your navel."
The long words are for the academics and bureaucrats. Many academics write to impress each other and many bureaucrats write to conceal, not reveal. Long words (Latin and Greek words) help them. I encourage you to study the Greek and Latin origins of English to better understand the language, but avoid using the words, especially in business writing, in favor of their cousins, the Anglo-Saxons.
If you're not sure how your writing (and speaking) score, use the readability tool in Word. It's fun and revealing!
The readability index is based on the Flesch readability studies. The index measures the length of your words, sentences, and paragraphs and your use of passive voice. The tool suggests that most people read at a level between 8th and 11th grade and suggests, therefore, that if you want to reach most audiences, you need to use short words, short sentences and short paragraphs. Also, because active voice is more direct, the index suggests that you prefer active voice over passive.
I recently copied and pasted into Word Barack Obama's inauguration speech and his first report to Congress, just to see how he scored. These were speeches, of course, but they began as written documents, very few people speak extemporaneously these days, especially if they are presidents and paying talented speech writers.
So, how did Barack score on readability (think "understandability")? He scored mid-8th grade in the inaugural address and mid-9th grade in the speech to Congress.
You might say that he should have written to the mid-3rd grade level for Congress. Those folks have not been accused of being the brightest candles on the cake. In contrast to many elected officials, Winston Churchill understood the need to use plain language. I scored his famous "we will fight on the seas..." speech, the one he gave during WWII, and it scored mid-3rd grade level. Mid-3rd grade level! He certainly knew his audience! Both Obama and Churchill are known as great intellectuals, yet both chose to address his audience on a level that he was certain would communicate his message.
Great orators of English know that they need to use strong Anglo-Saxon words (the short kind) and short, crisp sentences. They know that they should avoid words from the Latin and Greek . You might enjoy writing to a co-worker and saying, "You are sui generis." Or, you might want to say to a relative, "Give up on being a omphaloskepsist," just to show off your learning, but you won't make your point as well as if you had said, "You are one of a kind!" and "Get your nose out of your navel."
The long words are for the academics and bureaucrats. Many academics write to impress each other and many bureaucrats write to conceal, not reveal. Long words (Latin and Greek words) help them. I encourage you to study the Greek and Latin origins of English to better understand the language, but avoid using the words, especially in business writing, in favor of their cousins, the Anglo-Saxons.
If you're not sure how your writing (and speaking) score, use the readability tool in Word. It's fun and revealing!
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
Never use three words when one will do.
How often have you seen the phrase, "came up with"? For example, we "came up with" a new strategy. If you pay attention to your writing and the writing of others, you will see this kind of construction often. It is called a "phrasal," a verb with an adverb attached to it.
You will never have to remember that word, phrasal, unless you get a shot at "Jeopardy." "I'll take English grammar for $100, Alex." So, don't memorize it, but remember the notion. You don't have to use three words when one will do. In the case of "came up with," we prefer "we DEVELOPED a new strategy" or "we CREATED a new strategy" or "PROPOSED a new strategy."
That said, phrasals perform a useful function in idiomatic writing, when the adverb modifies the verb. Take the verb "run" and the many adverbs that attach themselves to it. Some one can run away. Or, you can run into a long lost friend. Or, God forbid, you might run over that friend. If you watch your language, you'll quickly get the run down on run!
Or, consider the mighty midget, "up." For one of the smallest words in the English language, it may just have the longest definition in the dictionary. It has so many uses thanks to its remora-like attachment to a host of verbs. For example, you might fix up an old engine and have it take up lots of space in the garage, or work up a thirst before opening up a can of brew, while you size up the situation. You might just give up, go into the house and dress up for the mechanics ball, if you are up to it, you might wind up with a great date.
Or, if you decide to be less idiomatic, you might repair an old engine and have it occupy a lot of space while you open a beer and review the situation before quitting to shower, shave and prepare for the ball (I was greatly tempted to say "spruce up"). And, if all goes well (a phrasal?), and you persevere, you may get lucky! All because you came to the point and used one word instead of three!
You will never have to remember that word, phrasal, unless you get a shot at "Jeopardy." "I'll take English grammar for $100, Alex." So, don't memorize it, but remember the notion. You don't have to use three words when one will do. In the case of "came up with," we prefer "we DEVELOPED a new strategy" or "we CREATED a new strategy" or "PROPOSED a new strategy."
That said, phrasals perform a useful function in idiomatic writing, when the adverb modifies the verb. Take the verb "run" and the many adverbs that attach themselves to it. Some one can run away. Or, you can run into a long lost friend. Or, God forbid, you might run over that friend. If you watch your language, you'll quickly get the run down on run!
Or, consider the mighty midget, "up." For one of the smallest words in the English language, it may just have the longest definition in the dictionary. It has so many uses thanks to its remora-like attachment to a host of verbs. For example, you might fix up an old engine and have it take up lots of space in the garage, or work up a thirst before opening up a can of brew, while you size up the situation. You might just give up, go into the house and dress up for the mechanics ball, if you are up to it, you might wind up with a great date.
Or, if you decide to be less idiomatic, you might repair an old engine and have it occupy a lot of space while you open a beer and review the situation before quitting to shower, shave and prepare for the ball (I was greatly tempted to say "spruce up"). And, if all goes well (a phrasal?), and you persevere, you may get lucky! All because you came to the point and used one word instead of three!
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
Want to have a good job interview? Have a conversation.
I interviewed a student today, a mock interview. She wanted to practice because she has a second interview on Friday...with the CEO of a local company. Naturally she's a little nervous and wants to make a BIG impression on the BIG Cheese.
She didn't interview well with me. Why? For one thing, she sat in front of me, limpid and withdrawn. For another, she didn't smile and her poor posture reflected a meek and timid personality. To make things worse, she only spoke when I asked her questions; and then, she only answered with terse statements.
When we finished, I gently told her these things and she readily acknowledged them. Knowing she didn't do well, she asked me how to improve. I told her that a good interview, especially with a CEO, demands a good conversation. I told her that to have a good conversation she needs to stimulate a dialogue by asking the CEO questions. Of course, she had no idea what questions to ask. In my experience with mock interviews of students and prospective employees, no one knows what questions to ask.
I have seen this problem, not just for the last nine years I've been teaching at Carnegie Mellon University, but for the 20 years before when I interviewed prospective employees in the marketing and corporate communication departments under my direction. Everyone seems to think that an interview is a passive process. It isn't. It's a dialogue. You interview me; I interview you.
This kind of interview starts with attitude, the attitude that you, the prospective employee, have skills and talents that are marketable. Again, this attitude says, "I'm interviewing you as much as you are interviewing me." In boom times, or bust times, that questioning attitude pays off.
Notice that I'm not suggesting that an interviewee have "an attitude." Anyone who goes into an interview with arrogance and aggression is going to lose. I'm talking about confidence. You need to sit in an interview feeling confident that you have the skills, experience and general wherewithal to do the job under consideration. Again, this means, in part, that you are interviewing the interviewer to determine if the organization is a good fit for you, just as they are trying to determine if you fit with them.
You can learn whether or not they fit by asking them questions, just as they ask you questions. Your questions will stimulate dialogue and that will help to make you seem interesting, communicative and discerning. So, what questions should you ask?
Over the years, I have told so many students in so many mock interviews to ask questions and heard them say that they can't think of any questions, that I wrote them down, in book form, and sent the manuscript to an agent who sent the manuscript to a potential publisher. I can't list all 50 questions from my manuscript in this post, but I will list a few (in random order).
Questions to ask a prospective employer
1. What happened to the last person who had this job?
2. How are employees evaluated?
3. What is the management style of the organization?
4. What is the work-life balance?
5. Is there a 'glass ceiling?'
If you ask those kinds of questions, you will stimulate conversation and demonstrate a serious and discerning nature. Moreover, the interviewer will not feel as if he or she is in the presence of a lump. Nothing is worse than interviewing someone who sits limply in front of you and is unable to engage in a conversation. Trust me; I have interviewed some real lumps.
To test my questions, I sent my manuscript to an HR professional in Silicon Valley. She agreed with the premise and the questions and endorsed my manuscript. Take our word for it, if you want to have a good job interview, have a good conversation. And, use me as a reference!
She didn't interview well with me. Why? For one thing, she sat in front of me, limpid and withdrawn. For another, she didn't smile and her poor posture reflected a meek and timid personality. To make things worse, she only spoke when I asked her questions; and then, she only answered with terse statements.
When we finished, I gently told her these things and she readily acknowledged them. Knowing she didn't do well, she asked me how to improve. I told her that a good interview, especially with a CEO, demands a good conversation. I told her that to have a good conversation she needs to stimulate a dialogue by asking the CEO questions. Of course, she had no idea what questions to ask. In my experience with mock interviews of students and prospective employees, no one knows what questions to ask.
I have seen this problem, not just for the last nine years I've been teaching at Carnegie Mellon University, but for the 20 years before when I interviewed prospective employees in the marketing and corporate communication departments under my direction. Everyone seems to think that an interview is a passive process. It isn't. It's a dialogue. You interview me; I interview you.
This kind of interview starts with attitude, the attitude that you, the prospective employee, have skills and talents that are marketable. Again, this attitude says, "I'm interviewing you as much as you are interviewing me." In boom times, or bust times, that questioning attitude pays off.
Notice that I'm not suggesting that an interviewee have "an attitude." Anyone who goes into an interview with arrogance and aggression is going to lose. I'm talking about confidence. You need to sit in an interview feeling confident that you have the skills, experience and general wherewithal to do the job under consideration. Again, this means, in part, that you are interviewing the interviewer to determine if the organization is a good fit for you, just as they are trying to determine if you fit with them.
You can learn whether or not they fit by asking them questions, just as they ask you questions. Your questions will stimulate dialogue and that will help to make you seem interesting, communicative and discerning. So, what questions should you ask?
Over the years, I have told so many students in so many mock interviews to ask questions and heard them say that they can't think of any questions, that I wrote them down, in book form, and sent the manuscript to an agent who sent the manuscript to a potential publisher. I can't list all 50 questions from my manuscript in this post, but I will list a few (in random order).
Questions to ask a prospective employer
1. What happened to the last person who had this job?
2. How are employees evaluated?
3. What is the management style of the organization?
4. What is the work-life balance?
5. Is there a 'glass ceiling?'
If you ask those kinds of questions, you will stimulate conversation and demonstrate a serious and discerning nature. Moreover, the interviewer will not feel as if he or she is in the presence of a lump. Nothing is worse than interviewing someone who sits limply in front of you and is unable to engage in a conversation. Trust me; I have interviewed some real lumps.
To test my questions, I sent my manuscript to an HR professional in Silicon Valley. She agreed with the premise and the questions and endorsed my manuscript. Take our word for it, if you want to have a good job interview, have a good conversation. And, use me as a reference!
Monday, March 2, 2009
Write well. Use action verbs.
I repeat. Write well. Use action verbs.
The action verb drives the sentence forward. It drives the paragraph. It drives the e-mails, letters, memos, and reports that you write. It drives any piece of writing, even a post card.
What a sin, then, when writers emasculate the action verbs, drain them of their energy, and turn them into nouns. Implement becomes implementation. Negotiate becomes negotiation. Obfuscate becomes obfuscation. The action is muffled. And, the being verbs creep into the sentence like pale vampires. Then sentences like this one appear out of the fog:
"The implementation of the project specifications and the addition of the retention of the consulting engineers with the creation of a new reporting system will BE forthcoming in the next quarter."
These types of sentences, so falsely impressive and bureaucratic in their tone, not only confuse readers and waste their time, but also disguise responsibility. We don't know who is implementing what, or what is being specified by the new report that is being created.
Anyone can write these types of sentences. You can. Just imagine yourself in a three-piece, pin-striped suit with argyle socks. Imagine you are sitting in your cubical in the city planning department. Just before you break for lunch and the egg salad sandwich you brought from home in your pale blue Tupperware container, you decide to write that memo the boss asked you to write to the local citizenry. You square yourself away at the computer, poise your hands over the keyboard, and bang away, with the objective of trying to impress the boss rather than communicate with your audience. You write the following:
"The recent amendments to the city planning codes and the adoption of the new planning districts voted on by the city council and ratified by the county manager, pursuant to the articles of incorporation, are in the process of verification so that home owners are in possession of certificates of occupancy can understand the new planning policies."
Say what? In one sentence you manage to confuse a whole city of people but, hey, you feel good knowing you impressed yourself and probably the boss. But, do you really want to write like that? Or, do you want to write well? I know the answer, so I give you this advice: Load up on your stock of action verbs. Keep a pile handy near your laptop when the being verbs try to sneak into your sentences bringing their clouds into your writing. If you see any of the following - is, am, are, was, were, be, being, been - in your sentences, rush them out unceremoniously. Only use them when they are aiding the action verbs as "helping verbs" or "auxiliary verbs." I repeat. Write well. Use action verbs.
The action verb drives the sentence forward. It drives the paragraph. It drives the e-mails, letters, memos, and reports that you write. It drives any piece of writing, even a post card.
What a sin, then, when writers emasculate the action verbs, drain them of their energy, and turn them into nouns. Implement becomes implementation. Negotiate becomes negotiation. Obfuscate becomes obfuscation. The action is muffled. And, the being verbs creep into the sentence like pale vampires. Then sentences like this one appear out of the fog:
"The implementation of the project specifications and the addition of the retention of the consulting engineers with the creation of a new reporting system will BE forthcoming in the next quarter."
These types of sentences, so falsely impressive and bureaucratic in their tone, not only confuse readers and waste their time, but also disguise responsibility. We don't know who is implementing what, or what is being specified by the new report that is being created.
Anyone can write these types of sentences. You can. Just imagine yourself in a three-piece, pin-striped suit with argyle socks. Imagine you are sitting in your cubical in the city planning department. Just before you break for lunch and the egg salad sandwich you brought from home in your pale blue Tupperware container, you decide to write that memo the boss asked you to write to the local citizenry. You square yourself away at the computer, poise your hands over the keyboard, and bang away, with the objective of trying to impress the boss rather than communicate with your audience. You write the following:
"The recent amendments to the city planning codes and the adoption of the new planning districts voted on by the city council and ratified by the county manager, pursuant to the articles of incorporation, are in the process of verification so that home owners are in possession of certificates of occupancy can understand the new planning policies."
Say what? In one sentence you manage to confuse a whole city of people but, hey, you feel good knowing you impressed yourself and probably the boss. But, do you really want to write like that? Or, do you want to write well? I know the answer, so I give you this advice: Load up on your stock of action verbs. Keep a pile handy near your laptop when the being verbs try to sneak into your sentences bringing their clouds into your writing. If you see any of the following - is, am, are, was, were, be, being, been - in your sentences, rush them out unceremoniously. Only use them when they are aiding the action verbs as "helping verbs" or "auxiliary verbs." I repeat. Write well. Use action verbs.
Sunday, March 1, 2009
Write long sentences with caution.
Business writers write to inform, query and persuade. They write for action, not to say, hello, howdy do. Business readers read to answer the following questions:
Why did you write to me (your purpose)?
What do you want me to do (action)?
Why should I care (benefit)?
We write and read this way in business because none of us has time to waste. We are starved for time. Short words, short sentences and short paragraphs help the writer achieve his/her purpose; and, short words, sentences, and paragraphs help us, the readers, get the message (action/benefit)quickly.
Business readers appreciate the journalistic, "inverted pyramid," approach, that is, writing that offers the reader the who, what, when, where, why, how, and how much in the first sentence(s). In this style, an inductive approach, a message to your boss might begin by saying,
"We need $250,000 more for this project. With the new cash we will hire two more staff and buy another laptop. With those resources we will conclude the project two-weeks ahead of schedule. Moreover, we will achieve efficiency and give you a $100,000return."
No fooling around here (or "beating around the bush," as they say idiomatically)! Short words, short sentences.
You will note that I used four sentences in the example. However, when you keep the subject and verb together, preferably at the beginning of the sentence, and choose strong (action) verbs, you can write longer sentences. You can do this because readers, who need to find the subject and verb quickly, will be able to. The rest is just modification. So, the sentence above could easily look like this:
"I write to ask for $250,000 more for this project so that we may hire two more staff, buy another laptop, and conclude the project two-weeks ahead of schedule, creating a $100,000 return on the investment."
In that sentence, the subject "I" is followed immediately by the action verb "write," and the direct object "to ask." The main clause is, thereby, constructed as a S-V-O pattern. The dependent clause that follows is built from the same pattern. This makes the long sentence easy to understand.
However, many long sentences suffer because they use being verbs and, therefore, cannot use the S-V-O pattern. Look at the following sentence:
"This message, regarding a $250,000 investment in additional staffing and other resource allocation, is meant as an argument for conclusion of the current project by a two-week interval followed by the creation of a $100,000 return on investment."
That sentence doesn't help the reader who has to search for the subject ("message") and the verb ("is") and wade through a host of weak words (verbs that have been turned into nouns): "regarding," "investment," "additional," "allocation," "argument," "conclusion," "followed," and "creation." These words function as nouns, instead of the strong action verbs they could be. In this case the long sentence definitely doesn't work. And, truth be told, this writer wrote to impress, not express.
You make choices when you sit down to write. You can choose to write long or short sentences, but remember, if you write a long sentence, you must craft it carefully or you will lose the reader, who will likely need to read the sentence again, wasting time, or, worse yet, completely missing your meaning. Keep the subject and verb together, preferably at the beginning of the sentence, choose action verbs, and use characters as subjects ("I," "you," "the team," "the manager," "the client," "the boss," and so forth).
Why did you write to me (your purpose)?
What do you want me to do (action)?
Why should I care (benefit)?
We write and read this way in business because none of us has time to waste. We are starved for time. Short words, short sentences and short paragraphs help the writer achieve his/her purpose; and, short words, sentences, and paragraphs help us, the readers, get the message (action/benefit)quickly.
Business readers appreciate the journalistic, "inverted pyramid," approach, that is, writing that offers the reader the who, what, when, where, why, how, and how much in the first sentence(s). In this style, an inductive approach, a message to your boss might begin by saying,
"We need $250,000 more for this project. With the new cash we will hire two more staff and buy another laptop. With those resources we will conclude the project two-weeks ahead of schedule. Moreover, we will achieve efficiency and give you a $100,000return."
No fooling around here (or "beating around the bush," as they say idiomatically)! Short words, short sentences.
You will note that I used four sentences in the example. However, when you keep the subject and verb together, preferably at the beginning of the sentence, and choose strong (action) verbs, you can write longer sentences. You can do this because readers, who need to find the subject and verb quickly, will be able to. The rest is just modification. So, the sentence above could easily look like this:
"I write to ask for $250,000 more for this project so that we may hire two more staff, buy another laptop, and conclude the project two-weeks ahead of schedule, creating a $100,000 return on the investment."
In that sentence, the subject "I" is followed immediately by the action verb "write," and the direct object "to ask." The main clause is, thereby, constructed as a S-V-O pattern. The dependent clause that follows is built from the same pattern. This makes the long sentence easy to understand.
However, many long sentences suffer because they use being verbs and, therefore, cannot use the S-V-O pattern. Look at the following sentence:
"This message, regarding a $250,000 investment in additional staffing and other resource allocation, is meant as an argument for conclusion of the current project by a two-week interval followed by the creation of a $100,000 return on investment."
That sentence doesn't help the reader who has to search for the subject ("message") and the verb ("is") and wade through a host of weak words (verbs that have been turned into nouns): "regarding," "investment," "additional," "allocation," "argument," "conclusion," "followed," and "creation." These words function as nouns, instead of the strong action verbs they could be. In this case the long sentence definitely doesn't work. And, truth be told, this writer wrote to impress, not express.
You make choices when you sit down to write. You can choose to write long or short sentences, but remember, if you write a long sentence, you must craft it carefully or you will lose the reader, who will likely need to read the sentence again, wasting time, or, worse yet, completely missing your meaning. Keep the subject and verb together, preferably at the beginning of the sentence, choose action verbs, and use characters as subjects ("I," "you," "the team," "the manager," "the client," "the boss," and so forth).
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